How Many Is Umpteen? Flash Win!

Elle's soccer team won again yesterday beating the Blast by an undetermined amount of goals. The final score was officially Umpteen to 1. When I say 'undetermined' I truly lost count (and Upwards does not support keeping score).

I know my parents and grandparents had a lot of unique sayings (many of which are vulgar). My favorites from my grandmother Vivian (mammaw-pictured) were "Doesn't no sh*t from shine-ola" and "Dumber than owl sh*t."

So how many is umpteen? I am not sure how many people have even heard the term before. I think the first time Laura asked me how many it was I said "17." I say it doesn't matter. It is ambiguously fun!

G-N-I-L-L-E-P-S

Elle is really interested in spelling out everything she reads and writes. The funny thing is that she probably still misses a letter here or there when she says her A-B-C's, but she can read and write virtually all the letters capital and lower case.

So here is the situation. Last weekend she made a birthday card and signed her full name backwards for the first time. She hasn't written anything backwards since. However, she is spelling things she sees backwards (like a Burger King sign). Do we have anything to worry about? Could it be a sign of dyslexia? Is she just entertaining herself?

Future Concert Promoter?

Laura and I were watching Dan in Real Life earlier today. I noticed out of the corner of my eye that Elle kept walking in and out of the room with her Barbie dolls. When I say Barbie dolls that includes various Disney Princesses, Hannah Montana (HM), and High School Musical (HSM) 'charakers.' I was half asleep on the floor watching the movie when I looked over to see the impending concert Elle had organized.

There are so many funny things about these pictures. First of all, I am impressed that Elle lined up all of the dolls in perfect rows of 5. No doubt will be OCD like her daddy one day. The background features Hannah Montana's Backstage playset, which Elle uses as a stage. What you miss in these pictures is the grand entrance by HM in the purple Barbie Porsche Boxster. Now it is time to dissect the 20 concertgoers. By my count I see 4 fully-nude princesses & Oliver from HM, one nude prince with a boot on (more on him in a future blog), and my personal favorite - Troy from HSM half-clothed wearing an apron!

You Gotta Hold Your Mouth Right

I think my Dads' mom, Vivian was the one who started it. For as long as I can remember my Dad has made a funny face when he is a) concentrating on something; b) trying to pry something open; c) working on something intricate. It is a look that must be hereditary. Elle cut out a butterfly she colored the other night and I caught her doing it!

Week 1: Flash 6, Earthquake 2

Ok, so you are not supposed to keep the score in Upward sports, but I am proud of our team. After two brief practices the kiddos gave it their all and scored a 6-2 victory. I really thought that there would be one huge clump of kids and a cloud of dust and not much scoring. I guess by playing 4 on 4 at this age it limits the traffic jams.

Elle started in goal this game. She pitched a shutout. Well, actually there were not any shots on goal during her 6 minutes. Thankfully Elle wasn't matched with Isabella and Sophie Grace. If so, they would have either been skipping around holding hands or picking daisies in the grass. They did get together at the end of the game to shake hands with the other team. Way to go Elle. Daddy is very proud of you!

Am I Cut Out For This?

A couple of things you need to know first. Every time we pass the doc-in-the-box at the corner of Warsaw and Holcombe Bridge roads my daughter Elle asks me about the time I filmed a commercial there as a little boy. I have no idea how I got to do it...maybe a family friend from Dunwoody that was a nurse there. Basically, I sat on a bed and acted like my arm was broken while a Doctor was tending to me. Elle is obsessed with filming her own commercial with a fake broken leg now. So I really didn't have a broken arm, but I did break my wrist in 9th grade. I don't think I have ever told Elle that.

Fast forward to Thursday night's soccer practice. Myself and Coach Jeff are coaching ("sports ministering") a co-ed 4 and 5 year old team. This is Upward soccer. Not sure how things have been in the past, but it is a bit more about the church than it is the sport. That became rather clear when I received a postcard in the mail that said "Upward Soccer Sport Minister( formerly Coach) training is Saturday..."

Every Thursday we practice for one hour with an 8 minute water break/scripture in the middle. Each week, the kids are responsible for learning a short verse. If they are able to recite it, they earn a green Upward sticker to put on their poster. This week was scripture #1. The team sat indian-style on the ground while Coach Jeff asked the team if they studied the scripture. Elle was the only kid to recite it (pictured) verbatim. I was very proud of her as she bowed her head and spoke softly.

Coach Jeff went on to talk about the healing power of Jesus and asked the team if anyone had ever broken a bone. Oddly enough Elle and I were the only ones. Elle spoke up first. "I broke my little toe." Coach Jeff said "Coach Jason did you break a bone?" "Yes," I replied. "What did you do about it?", he asked. "I first went to the doctor (feeling the pressure) and then prayed to God to make it better." Coach Jeff started talking about Jesus' healing powers when I looked down at Elle who was muttering something. I squatted down next to her just in time to hear her say "He was acting." So there I was in front of the team being called out by my daughter, who, in her defense never knew I actually did break a bone. I almost peed down my left leg from laughter!!! Kids are absolutely hilarious!

I Am No Michael Phelps, But I Have A Rockin' Friendship Bracelet

I hate Dunwoody Country Club. Actually I strongly dislike the stoner kids that taught swim lessons there when I was 3 or 4 years old. You see, if you didn't learn to put your head under water they would simply push it under for you. Net result = I never learned to swim.

Fast forward to age 12. I can remember the first time I put my head under and swam with both arms (rather than with one arm while the other pinched my nostrils closed). For you Creekers, it was at the pool on the 'old side'. I rarely went to that pool while it was open. I want to say the old side pool was open on the day that the new side pool was closed and vice versa. I am pretty damn proud that I taught myself to swim as so many people like our parents and grandparents never learned. It could have been me.

Within the next year or two I decided to join the Saddle Creek swim team...later to be known simply as the Creekers. I have no recollection as to whose idea it was to join first because, lets be honest, swim team was not 'cool'. The crazy thing was everyone in my circle of friends signed up. I never was the best swimmer. I put up a couple of decent 50 Free times (mainly when I wore a banana hammock and swim cap). For some reason I always swam IM. Backstroke was definitely my weakest stroke.

Watching the Olympics the last few nights has brought back a lot of great memories from those summers in the mid to late 80's. Like the asshole father of one of the kids on our swim team that challenged us teenagers to a race...in his speedo. Prick.

Qu'est-ce Que C'est?

I actually have been watching quite a bit of the Olympics the last few days. Swimming to be specific. I made a HUGE mistake by not watching the 4 X 100 relay late last night. In case you have been under a rock and did not hear, Jason Lezak made up a full body length on Frenchman Alain Bernard to lead the US to Olympic Gold. The commentator's call will go down in history as one of the most memorable of all time.

What is so great about it? Let's see. This was the one event that Michael Phelps was not favored in his quest for 8 Golds. Jason Lezak, a 31 year old set the world record split in leading us to Gold. Oh, did I mention that Bernard was the former record holder in the 100 and said the the French were going to "CRUSH" us?

Qu'est-ce que c'est, Alain? That would be you having to stand next to Michael Phelps while listening to the Star Spangled Banner.

Damn, I am patriotic!

Daddy's Day Out

I owe getting my start at State Farm to my good friend Chris Thomas. Chris is a State Farm agent just outside of Athens. We don't get together as often as we did before we had kids. We wanted to get our girls together prior to going to Disney next month. We met up at Chuck E Cheese today at the Mall of Ga. Funny how having kids changes things. No kids = Vegas. Kids = Disney.

My Party For '08

Never paid much attention to politics. In High School, I would describe myself as having liberal beliefs. As soon as I went off to college something changed. For years and years I have described myself as conservative. I am not so sure anymore. I married a liberal, but I wouldn't say Laura has changed my core beliefs. My favorite band of all time is one of the most outspoken far-left acts out there. Michael Stipe has never convinced me to vote for Clinton, Gore or Obama though. Maybe becoming a dad has opened my eyes. I don't know.



I hereby declare my vote for a party I have held near and dear to my heart for many a years. A party that puts a Big Mac to shame. A party that makes one hell of a hot fudge cake. A party that supports an overweight boy with a black pompadour hairdo and red checkerboard overalls. Ladies and gentleman, I introduce to you Big Boy. Big Boy for President in '08.

Whiplash The Cowboy Monkey

O.k. I have admitted my monkey, mascot, china doll, midget hangups previously. One addendum to this rule is Whiplash the Cowboy Monkey. I first heard of Whiplash when he visited Stegman Coliseum in the spring of 1994. My friend Jay and a few other friends had just returned home from the rodeo that night. Jay had an autographed picture of a 'monkey that rode around on the back of a collie'. I almost sharted from laughter when he told me how Whiplash ran around the ring like he was riding a Brahma bull. Evidently, Whiplash is named that for a reason. He is violently thrashed around on the back of the collie when he performs. The crazy thing is that little simian cowboy doesn't let go!!! Every now and then I will go online to see if he is coming to a rodeo near me. 14 years and still no luck. Whiplash please don't die before I get to see you perform.

See Whiplash in action:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IolGVHkv1vQ&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYNoQZ5djUA

Why I Am A Lover Not A Dancer

Some good friends of mine from work got married last fall. This is my blackmail photo of the gentleman in the blue oxford. I will leave his name out as he currently holds a fake 'passed out on the floor' photo of me from the same wedding that has made the rounds at work. It has done wonders for my career.

Look at the facial expression and clinched fists at the waist! This is precisely why I don't like to dance at weddings. You look like a total a-hole! I mean seriously how many guys know how to dance? Don't give me that "just let loose" crap either. My sincere apologies to Wen. She really wanted to cut up the dance floor at Ev's wedding. I obliged, but I kept it simple. A few twirls and a dip. Meanwhile, Dan was molesting Laura.

Leelee - I think you were in the same class with the guy in the middle of the pic. Daniel Sergile, I believe.

And To Think Dolls Whose Eyes Roll Back In Their Head Bothered Me

Those of you who know me know that I have more than one hang up. Never been a big fan of clowns, monkeys, mascots, or midgets. China dolls have always freaked me out. Their freaky eyelashes and glass eyes that roll back in their head. What nightmares are made of. I understand china dolls. They have their place in this universe for little girls or confused little boys to play with.

There is, however, something else I don't understand...

Meet Tommy. He is a timeout doll or a shyback kid as they like to call them across the pond. Good thing you can't see Tommy's face in the picture...because he doesn't have one. What the f*ck?! Whose bright idea was this? Were these created by a parent who wanted their children to model their timeout behavior after one of these cloth and polyfil freaks?! Oh, but it gets better. You can dress these little boogers up! Nascar fan, check. A Pirate, Arrr Matey! Even an Elf for the holidays. The options you see are endless...as are my nightmares.

The Games Kids Play

As a kid I remember playing games like ghosts in the graveyard among others. What I don't understand is where a game like "Hot Piece of Butter" originates from. My friend Owen lived next door to brothers Marc and Mike. Their parents were really interesting. I believe their dad was Jamaican. He always had jazz music playing on his turntable when we were over. For a short time their grandmother lived with them and was either suffering from senile dementia or advanced alzheimers. She would peer out the window of their house while Owen and I would shoot hoop. She scared the living sh*t out of us. Crazy, crazy talk.

Anyways, Marc and Mike introduced Owen and I to a game they played in their unfinished basement. I have no clue if this made up game was a form of punishment from their father or if they were just sadists. They hung a leather weightlifting belt from a nail on the wall. Everyone was supposed to go hide while the sadist grabs the belt and proclaims "Hot Piece of Butter, Come and Get Your Supper!" What happened next is a little unclear. I can't recall if we had a safe area to reach or not, but basically the person wielding the leather belt tried to whip you with it.

As I type this I can hear Owen laughing. I challenge ANYONE to tell me of a more deranged game!

The Origin Of Bad Vibes

It all started when I decided to pass on a Lake Sinclair trip with Anne, Evan and a host of others the summer after we graduated high school - 1990. To this day I am not sure why I chose not to go. When asked why I was not going I simply stated that I had bad vibes. Maybe I was pissed at someone going or maybe I had something better to do (channeling Dogwood Girl!) I guess it really doesn't matter as plenty of fun was had on subsequent trips to the lake. Cecil telling me not to be a dick. Bo getting under the covers with Owen ready to pounce if he moved an inch. A bout of the diarrhea that almost made Lee Lee throw up. The list goes on and on.

Evan, being the good friend that he is decided that I would never live it down. So what does he do you ask? Well, create a book starring me of course. It's title Bad Vibes. Absolute genius! It's level of importance to me is best summed up by letting you know what two books it has been wedged in between for years...REMARKS the first R.E.M bio and an autographed Rick Pitino/UK basketball book.

So here it begins. My first entry into the blogosphere. Special thanks to Dogwood Girl for the encouragement.